As Long As I Have You Now
by lilmm
Summary: There's very little for him to do while he waits for his eye surgery, so Blaine writes Kurt a letter he never intends his boyfriend to read. Part one of the Doubts series. Can be read alone.


**I've wanted to write something for Michael since the episode aired. My muse has been on overdrive, in fact, not letting me get close to finishing one idea before it throws another one at me, forcing me to stop what I'm working on and start on the new project. I very well might not post most of my ideas, but I wanted to post this one. It's something that's been on my mind since Born This Way, actually. **

**In all likelihood, whether we as fans want it or not, Kurt and Blaine will break up, and I get the feeling Kurt will be the one who does the breaking. I doubt they'll break up because they'll stop loving each other or because one of them will cheat. It will likely be painful for both of them. A growing apart and a growing up. I love the idea of the two of them staying together forever, for so many reasons I won't bother fangirling over now, but I do get the feeling they'll break up someday, and I get the feeling Blaine knows it too.**

**So this is for Blaine.**

**I don't own Glee.**

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><p>Kurt,<p>

I'm writing this to you knowing I'll never let you see it. You'd protest and pet me and try to do everything you could think of to convince me how wrong I am, and while I wouldn't mind you doing any of those things, that's not the point of writing this this to you. Not really.

I love you, Kurt. You know that. I love you in all the ways songs have described the feeling since people began actually writing songs down. I know you love me. Perhaps you don't love me as strongly as I do you, perhaps I took too long realizing how I feel, but I know you love me.

That's not what this is about either.

In truth, I'm writing this because I'm lonely. I miss you, Kurt. I have nothing else to do but lie in bed and miss you, despite the fact that you're still in Ohio, despite the fact that I put myself here taking that slushie for you. I miss you anyway.

In just a few short months you'll be gone and I'll be left behind. It doesn't matter if you want to say goodbye or not, I know we will. It's inevitable. But the fact that it's inevitable doesn't make it hurt any less. It won't make me stop missing you.

Lying here, staring at the ceiling, probably higher than a mountain on pain killers for my eye, I feel so, so alone. When you leave I'll not only have lost my lover but my best friend as well. No amount of Skype dates or texts or early morning phone calls will change that. It hurts, knowing that.

It hurts knowing that I'll be losing my only real friend when you leave. The betrayal I feel right now runs through me like acid in my veins, but it still doesn't compare to the deep empty pit in my heart every time I think of you leaving for NYADA. I know you'll get in. I knew you would before you applied, when it was just a dream you and Rachel wouldn't shut up about for weeks. I'm not angry about that. You deserve it. But it does make me feel lonely.

You have all these plans, Kurt. Glorious plans about where you'll live, what you'll do, how we'll keep in touch. I believe you mean them all equally whole-heartedly. But long distance relationships are hard, and the last thing I ever want to do is hold you back.

I know that one day, despite all your promises to the contrary, you're going to leave me for good. And I know on that day that my heart will break, will shatter into so many pieces no one will be able to fully mend it, not even you.

I don't care.

I can't for one second stop loving you with every breath in my body, with every piece of my being. Because you're amazing, Kurt. And for as long as I can I'm going to hold onto you and support you so that one day when you're famous and successful and have everything you ever wanted I can point to you and proudly tell people that I loved you once. That, in some way, I helped you believe in yourself enough to get there.

That's all I've ever wanted for you, Kurt, even before I knew I loved you. You deserve _everything_ that's good in this world. If you getting what you want means that one day my heart will break or that my eyesight has to fade, I'm willing to make that sacrifice.

I love you.

I will always love you.

And I will always be your,

Blaine

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><p><strong>I'd love your thoughts on this.<strong>


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